By: Napol Riel
Reading the book “Girls & Sex” opens anyone’s eyes to the complexities of today’s female sexuality, especially girls. Even though it was written by an American by analyzing the experiences of many young girls there, Orenstein highlights problems that are similar to the phenomenon experienced by many young women that occurs in other countries, including in Indonesia. Differences might be found in the gradations and variables.
This book was written by Peggy Orenstein, a writer and journalist of the New York Times, as well as a mother with a daughter. She identified how pop culture and societal expectations take a toll on young girls as they begin to explore the realm of sexuality. This book also offers solutions for us as parents and educators, including educational content creators, to help young women feel empowered to be themselves, and liberated to be who they want.
Since high school, it is common for women in any country to receive negative labels regarding their sexuality. In the Indonesian context, for example: “ganjen“, “centil“, “kegatelan“, “pelakor“, “sok suci“. Here are just a few examples. Sadly, when their friends often refer to them by these labels, they start judging themselves by similar terms.
But on the other hand, according to Orenstein, men seem to be more free in terms of sexuality. How many of these labels are used to describe men? Why do only terms about female sexuality tend to be degrading and demeaning? How did we get to this point?
In “Girls & Sex”, Peggy Orenstein explores these and many other questions. She highlighted how young women struggled to develop amidst the influence of the media which cultured objectification and sexualization, thus creating unrealistic social expectations for women. It’s not an easy task, but Orenstein believes we can empower the next young generation by changing the way we talk about sex and sexuality.
The 3 lessons from this book are:
1. The sexualized and objectified culture in the media has a negative influence on young women’s sexuality.
2. Parents, educators and peers need to increase conversations on sexuality to help young women avoid confusion, as well as the proneness of being taken advantage of in relationships.
3. A good education on sexuality from an early age will reduce the teenage pregnancy rate and help young people enjoy the experience of their sexual relationships.
Sexualization that Abandons Self
Many of the young American women Orenstein spoke to, in their late teens and early twenties, compared themselves to women they had seen on TV or in movies. Orenstein analyzes their assessment of their physical appearance. They engage in “self-objectification”. They display sexualization in the media and claim it as a right. They feel empowered by being physically sensual.
The problem Orenstein sees is that self-objectification keeps girls from recognizing and experiencing their bodies as part of themselves. They continue to compartmentalize about being “sexually attractive” and “being sexual.”
“Self-objectification makes girls no longer recognize and experience their bodies as part of themselves.”
On the other hand, many celebrities and idols glorify self-objectification, turning themselves into producers of sexualization. Orenstein asserts that this combined with pornography’s influence on culture, resulted in scripts that positioned women as objects rather than subjects in the realm of sexuality.
Let’s talk about sexuality!
Parents are usually afraid to give a “speech” about sexuality. The most common reason is that talking about sex openly with your own children is awkward and uncomfortable. But that’s only a small problem compared to the problems that could befall them in the future, if we don’t help prevent it by starting to talk about sexuality.
If parents never talk openly about sexuality, children will be confused. Especially girls, because they have received a lot of confusing advice since they were little about how girls should behave. How to understand oneself with sexual innateness. On the one hand, they want to start exploring their sexuality. But on the other hand, they are told to be “good girls”.
“On the one hand, they want to start exploring their sexuality. But on the other hand they are told to be good girls.”
This causes stress, confusion, and intimidation. Young women in America receive disapproving labels if they are ashamed to express their sexuality or dress discreetly. But when they start to become sexually active or wear revealing dress, they run the risk of being sexually harassed or humiliated.
The author also explores the sexual life of teenagers. When dating, American teenage girls feel obligated to engage in sexual activity to please their partners. Orenstein found that acts of oral sex were common and were seen as an increase in the intimacy stage after making out. Women perform oral sex to “appease” their date when they are not ready for sex.
Anal sex is getting more common. Women’s pain during sexual activity and their lack of sexual satisfaction continues to be normalized. Isn’t this also experienced by women everywhere? Of course with different gradations of relationships and behavior.
Not to mention the hookup culture. Where young men and women engage in sexual relations that do not always have emotional or romantic meaning. This is commonly done at campus parties, or in FWB (friends with benefits) relationships.
On the one hand, says Orenstein, this liberates women. They can focus on studies or other areas of their personal life outside of romantic relationships. On the other hand, women are at a loss: They are rarely sexually satisfied, and end up engaging in more sexual acts than actually connecting with their partners.
Orenstein found that hookup culture is also not free from the influence of alcohol. Because a girl who is “drunk” is considered to give a signal that she is ‘not serious’; She considered having sex for fun. At college parties, girls who want to be seen as “fun” or “cool” are expected to drink too. However, drunkness complicates things, women become more vulnerable to sexual assault/violence, unclear consent, and regrets.
So what can we do to help the upcoming generation of girls understand sexuality?
According to Orenstein, it can be started by increasing education on sexuality. So far, our method seems to focus more on teaching about men’s sexual pleasures and forget about women’s pleasures altogether. If we don’t teach that sex can be fun for women too, many women think good sex means it feels “less painful” and their partner climaxes.
They become uncomfortable with their bodies and even self-conscious with their own genitalia. This makes it difficult for many women to experience a pleasurable sexual life. If we don’t start talking about women’s pleasure, this problem will never change.
Orenstein cites the example of a sex education policy in the Netherlands that respects the sexuality of adolescents and supports their bodily autonomy and safety. She also advocates a positive example in America, where educators talk openly to young people about sexual autonomy, consent, emotional and psychological problems in relationships.
Some places, such as in Indonesia, do not teach sexuality at all, because they believe that talking about sexuality will only increase sexual activity in adolescents. However, research shows, abstaining from talking about sexuality will not work, it will actually make things worse. Adolescents who are not provided with education on sexuality are 60 percent more prone to experiencing unwanted pregnancies (KTD).
We know that tabooing or abstaining from discussing sexuality not only fails to stop young people from having sex, but also unprepared them for it; they are alienated from their own body.***
“Adolescents who are not provided with education on sexuality are 60 percent more prone to experiencing unwanted pregnancies.”
This article was translated by Napol Riel.