By: Ahmad Hadid
A man is seen hanging laundry, sweeping, and mopping. Another man is cradling a baby. They spend the early morning sunbathing on a chair in front of the house’s terrace. In another section, a group of men is carrying their kids. They assemble and chat happily.
I see such a scene almost every day in the housing complex where I live. Such a scene was unusual for my father and grandfather’s generation of guys. That’s why I dared to speak with my neighbors. Inquiring as to how they could do it.
For them, these events constitute the culmination of a lengthy process following their marriage. They claim that after marriage, males who just make a living and are involved in public affairs are unable to support a healthy family. They believe that men should also learn to handle household chores and raise children. Because if the wife is unwell, has PMS, or is preoccupied with activities outside the home, the disorganized state of the house impacts men’s emotions, making the household relationship tense.
They refer to it as a man’s adaptability in a household other than earning a living. They also stated that this would be experienced by me, as I had not been living in a household for very long.
After getting married in 2022, I went through a completely different stage of life. We chose to separate from our parents because we wanted to be independent as soon as possible. We live in a housing complex fairly far away from our parents’ home. This circumstance forces us to handle all aspects of our personal lives on our own.
We gradually learned to develop a healthy household pattern. Beginning with developing positive relationships, getting to know one another, sharing responsibilities, and ensuring sustainability. One thing that concerns us as a couple who is just starting a family is the occurrence of violence that results in hurting each other.
The recent spate of domestic violence incidents lately sounds scary and unreasonable. Starting from abuse, neglect, to murder. Various news stories circulating reported the incident of a husband abusing his pregnant wife, a father beating his children, to a father committing suicide after killing all his family members.
The National Commission on Violence Against Women’s annual report for 2023 identified 279,503 cases of domestic violence recorded by BADILAG (Religious Courts). With such a large number, it means that the potential for domestic violence is very massive. The numbers are based on recorded cases; there are likely many more unreported cases.
For me, as a newlywed couple, incidences of violence in the home require immediate response in order to serve as a lesson in how to navigate a healthy family free of violence.
Learning to be a Man
I feel that being a man in a household involves a significant amount of learning. Household activities and roles can conflict with men’s masculinity. At first, it felt stifling, unpleasant, and odd, to the point that it threatened my existence and identity as a man. Learning allowed me to let go of my masculine principles and compromise with the situation.
I was born and raised in a rigid society culture that shapes the character of men who are expected to be leaders. This understanding is based on the belief that men have been strong since their creation. The evolution of society contributed other characteristics such as bravery, toughness, ability to do heavy work, talking little, and so on.
I have felt the process of character development since I was reared in my family. I am the first of three children. My mother was always doing housework and caring for the children. I was frequently assigned the tasks of washing clothing and dishes, sweeping the home and yard, mopping the floor, and wiping the windows.
Neighbors and people who witnessed me doing housework often sneered, “You are a boy, why do domestic chores?” they would say. My mother was also reprimanded by her siblings, “Your son is a boy. Don’t educate him incorrectly. Try to teach him to earn a living by following his father to the rice fields or selling scrap. Don’t teach him to wash, sweep, and mop.”
When I was a child, while studying in the prayer room, one of my older friends took my place in line. I attempted to get it back. But my friend smacked my head until it was bumpy. At that moment, I went home sadly and cried. My mom said to me, “Don’t cry. To be a man, you have to be strong, steadfast, and not weak. If someone smacks you, smack them back.”
Social construction also requires men to be able to control their self-expression and defer their desires. All of this is intended to suit the needs of the family and the wider community. Men like me are expected to “talk less and work more”. Like what has recently been trending with memes and hashtags on social media: “Men don’t tell stories, but…”
Some narratives continue with phrases like “… but brought Rubicon home” or “… but his prostration and prayers were always long on the prayer mat.” This tendency conveys a message about how society perceives men’s roles as individuals who are expected to hide their emotions, not complain easily, and serve as “guardians” of peace in the family and society.
Unconsciously, such living space conditions demand men’s ability to be mighty and strong by emphasizing the heroic nature without complaining and being firm, fast, and precise in making decisions. Men must be gentlemanly and brave in facing problems, have a strong, muscular body, and do public jobs that pay well.
In the social construction of the society in which I grew up, a man figure like that is referred to as a masculine man. Men who exhibit these characteristics are seen as tough and responsible.
The development of masculine traits in men through societal culture is actually legitimate. However, the consequences must be examined, such as what happens if a guy fails to achieve society’s expectations.
If society’s rules are inflexible and there are no other options, many men who fail to match these expectations may become confused. If this happens, many men will be unable to maintain their stability. This can have serious consequences that risk oneself and others, such as committing violence.
In the household, social construction places men in a higher position. He is the household’s head, breadwinner, and is accountable for its sustainability. If males do not have a proper understanding of masculinity, it is probable that misunderstandings and violence will arise in the future.
Non-Violent Relationships
Men in married life must constantly adapt to new conditions and changes. While he is still single and living with their parents, many personal needs and roles in a man’s life are borne, attempted, and fulfilled by his parents. Men who have not yet been trained to carry out their own roles, activities and fulfill their own needs frequently experience frustration, which leads to misunderstandings, quarrels, emotional stress, and even violence against one another.
I, who grew up in a culture with rigid male character-building, still have a lot to learn and adjust to the ongoing dynamics of married life. Especially in developing good relationships without resorting to violence.
Healthy relationships are built with effective communication. Men characters who tend to talk less and work more often hinder communication. This causes misunderstandings in interpreting other people’s desires, and men often end up doing things that other people don’t want.
Social systems including rigid rules, norms, and values often pressure men to be quiet. Talking too much exposes men’s weaknesses and degrades their leadership role in the home and society. These factors shape the personalities of men who are silent and selfish.
In my family, I noticed that my father was quite engaged working outside the home and spoke little when he was at home. He was constantly working to make ends meet and projecting a positive image of the family to the rest of the neighborhood. When he was at home, he was occupied with unfinished house repairs such as mending leaky roof tiles, building wells and walls, painting the house, building fences, repairing bathrooms and wash basins, and so on. There was almost no time to communicate or develop positive ties with any member of his family.
A few years before getting married, I got the opportunity to learn about sexuality at Umah Ramah. One of the foundational principles is about self-awareness. I believe that self-awareness is necessary for someone to establish relationships with others.
Self-awareness related to sexuality helped me understand myself and others. The first step in self-awareness is to recognize the body: its development, health, sensations, and what makes it pleasant and uncomfortable.
The introduction to the body helped me realize what should and shouldn’t be done to the body. This is necessary in order to develop positive relationships with others without resorting to violence. The emotions that develop from the body’s conduct in oneself can make it easier to say yes or no, want or don’t want. Furthermore, these sentiments will cause one to treat others in the same way that one’s own body feels.
So that self-awareness can be deliberately acknowledged, reflected on, and given new meaning to the notion of being a man, which was before attached but not realized by oneself. I believe that every human body, no matter who it is, wants to be treated well, just as one’s own body does. As a result, treating others well, respecting, sustaining, and acknowledging their presence, and responding appropriately will lead to the development of positive relationships free of violence.
The househusbands I met in the housing complex appeared to be still learning and adapting to the situation. I also continued to learn and better myself, so that men’s roles as household leaders were no longer limited to earning a wage and engaging in public activities. Domestic roles and household upkeep are also needed to complete self-life skills and create a good household free of violence. []