By: Asih Widiyowati
There is no doubt that many couples, like myself, want a child in the home. I am aware, however, that a child is a blessing. To God’s servants, they are a gift, a mercy. Naturally, as a servant, I am unable to make such a firm demand.
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A light wind blew into our room that afternoon via the holes in the window. The atmosphere lulled and swept me away. While I was sleepy, I was daydreaming. My husband and I shared a small room at a boarding house in the Majasem neighborhood of Cirebon City. The rice fields surrounding our boarding house were beginning to turn green, which is a scene I don’t often see in the city these days. The wind that blew gave strength to all it encountered as the rice leaves swayed and danced.
Following our marriage, we made the decision to live apart from both my husband’s and my families. We made the decision to live apart, in a little room in a boarding house, just the two of us. Yes, our room in the boarding house was our home, complete with everything. As a living area, family room, bedroom, garage for a motorcycle, and warehouse. I gladly relished it all. Many said it looked like a shipwreck. Even so, this is my own space, I remarked. Oops… Sorry. I mean, this is someone else’s boarding house, haha.
The dusk of that afternoon witnessed the darkness that was soon approaching. The cheers of little children running, returning to their home’s embrace as the day began to fall. I always enjoy seeing the joy of children. They are like little humans without burdens. Going through the day cheerfully and lightly. Unlike adults who face life as a challenge. Aren’t those days always challenging? One question that I always recite when I am feeling down. Intending to remain strong and upright.
Ah, but I am only an ordinary human being. That pain—in that small room, my tears broke out. My fragile body seemed unable to withstand all the cruel words and questions that were pouring down. “Are you pregnant yet? Why aren’t you pregnant yet? A has only been married for a month and is already pregnant.” “That’s why you shouldn’t work all the time.” “Women should just stay at home!”
“Wong wadon iku ning umah bae.” – Women should just stay at home.
“Aja lunga-lunga bae.” – Don’t go out all the time.
“Aja-aja, ira gabug, ya?” – Maybe, you’re infertile, huh?
Some people may believe those phrases and queries to be typical. But believe me, those phrases kept running through my thoughts. Haunting day after day as the breeze comes to a halt without sensation as time slows down.
(Only) Stigmatizing Women
The experiences and stories above may not be unique to me. Many other women have had similar experiences. They wish for children in their homes. Nonetheless, they did their best. And, as with any gift, we cannot be certain of the results.
Everyone understands that children are a gift from God. Strangely, most people appear to urge that women have children promptly. Isn’t it true that if we can be sure, it will no longer be a gift? This oddity affected me and many other women who were telling stories at Umah Ramah. We talked about how people around us continue to stigmatize us.
Some of us have even planned to commit suicide. Perhaps they can no longer bear the barrage of judgmental questions. Some of us are constantly frightened of being abandoned by our husbands since we have not been blessed with children.
These fears arise not from the beginning but since the stigma continues to be directed at women. Starting with being called “infertile women”, “impious women”, “career women who work too much”, “women who defy their nature”, and so on. The stigma that only exists in society reinforces the belief that a woman’s responsibility after marriage is to care for the well, kitchen, and bed.
Stigmas against women are elements that contribute to the development of discriminatory traditions.The stigma becomes a subconscious aspect that ensures the process of forming a social structure that is unfair to women. This information is strongly ingrained in our society.
This knowledge structure’s practices and implementation can be seen in everyday life: women must clean the house, care for and raise children, obey everything their husbands order, not argue or refuse their husbands’ invitations to have sex, seek permission from their husbands before leaving the house, and so on.
As if women were born to accept all of that. They are assigned tasks and obligations that they are unaware of. A nature that is the result of masculine society’s efforts to develop women into “desired” individuals. Women appear to be “conditioned” to live with stigmas, accept all mistreatment, and grow detached from their bodies and souls.
Patriarchal society and morals subjugate women, reducing them to sexual objects and a mere konco wingking (subordinate companion). As a result, many women abandon their aspirations after marriage since they do not have their partners’ approval. These social constructions are oppressive and inhumane. Don’t we live to love each other?
Rethinking the Purpose of Marriage
That afternoon, I also began to ponder the meaning of marriage. Everyone understands that bringing two minds together will be difficult. One of the answers I discovered was from Ibu Nyai Nurofiah’s book “Nalar Kritis Muslimah“. She stated that marriage is more than just a biological link between two bodies; it also involves the union of two souls. Therefore, the objective of marriage is peace of mind (sakinah). Love and affection (mawaddah wa rahmah) are at the heart of the husband-wife relationship.
In this sense, I see that the purpose of marriage is more than just sexual connections; it is also about how spouses may make each other happy. A condition that develops as a result of living together. Not just an issue of expressing sexual desire. So I believe it is critical for all of us to rethink what the purpose of marriage is. So that marriages do not end in the middle of the road because of our limited understanding of marriage and its purpose, and humanity is no longer prioritized.
One thing that often escapes the minds of most people is discussing with their partners about having children. Offspring exist solely as a result of sexual collaboration between women and men. If there is a problem with it, it indicates that it is a problem that must be solved collaboratively. For example, if having children is a God-given blessing, and a husband and wife are not blessed with them, it is a shared sadness. It makes no logic to blame the woman for the absence of children.
The absence of children in a household does not give us the right to dispute a woman’s identity as a woman. The temptation to question it is the first step towards stigmatizing women. Furthermore, isn’t it ridiculous to think that the sole goal of marriage is to have children? What if fate decides otherwise? Is the marriage null and void? Should the marriage be dissolved?
I’ve learned a lot from my own and other women’s experiences. First, it is human nature to love one another in the midst of life’s ups and downs. Second, everything that exists in life, including having children, is ultimately a gift. Even in daily language, we refer to them as mere God-given gifts. In other words, they’re bonuses from God. Third, I’ve learned not to stigmatize and discriminate against people in my head, especially not questioning someone’s womanhood simply because they haven’t had children.
Finally, I’d like to remind myself and all of you that the most important existence for humans is one lived with love. For me, love is the most essential need and the foundation of human existence. (Wallahu’alam).