By: Napol Riel
A middle-aged Auntie, whose friend said she was interested in me—in a joking tone to a close friend—asked me to take her for a ride to the place we were going together. We just got to know each other in a face-to-face forum. Meanwhile, the other friends headed there in one car. I respected her as an older person, and as for her interest, I thought it was just their joke. But even if it’s true, while on the forum, Auntie didn’t take an intrusive approach, so why not? I think. Apart from that, I also want to make friends from new communities. Since we met the day before, we haven’t had the chance to chat in person.
The city streets were quite busy that afternoon, making our journey take longer. Especially for me. On the motorbike, we discussed many things. More precisely, I tried to respond actively by always asking questions back. For some reason, I thought maybe that was quite an effective way to prevent Auntie’s body that was pressed against my back from holding me tighter. She leaned her head on my shoulder. Her hand was on my thigh.
This situation made me uncomfortable, but I couldn’t do anything other than trying to continue responding to her conversation. She asked me about my preferences regarding partners, to which I answered with a phrase that I thought was careful enough not to hurt her. But Auntie didn’t change her sitting position at all… I, too, for some reason, didn’t try to shift my position. I just tried to speed up the motorbike so that we could quickly get to the destination.
Experiencing this, I was not shocked, because it was not the first time. Luckily, learning about the roots of sexual violence makes me aware not to necessarily blame myself. I can also relate to why people who experience sexual violence find it difficult to fight back when the incidents occur.
From this experience I reflected on several things. For example, regarding sexual consent, by imagining other possibilities: what if the person who makes physical (sexual) contact without consent is my crush or my partner? To be able to decipher this, I need to first understand what sexual consent is and how it shows.
Many more types of sexual violence go unreported, are disregarded, or are not recognized as sexual violence, in comparison to the numerous examples of sexual violence that are publicized in the media. One explanation for this is because a lot of individuals still don’t get the significance of consent, or they misunderstand what it means.
Consent or agreement is when someone expresses their willingness to perform something in question or grants approval for something that concerns them. Regarding sexual consent, this indicates that the individual in question consents to perform or partake in the specific action when it comes to sexual activity or relationships. However, consent in sexual situations is more than just a technical matter—saying “yes” or when they nod. Rather, sexual consent is given freely and voluntarily based on a clear understanding of the facts, implications, and future consequences of an action.
The National Organization of Asian and Pacific Islanders Ending Sexual Violence (NAPIESV) in their presentation on Sexual Violence in Asia-Pacific Islanders said that sexual violence refers to sexual activity where there is no consent or consent is not given freely and voluntarily. Invalid sexual consent is a consent that is granted after being coerced, threatened, or tricked into engaging in undesired sexual behavior. Consent is therefore void if it is given by those who are excessively subordinate in their relationships (in terms of gender, age, or economic standing, etc.), by children, or by people with restricted informational or cognitive abilities.
Many individuals who have never experienced it could conclude, if they look at the context of the story above, that my silence indicates “yes” or agreement. Many of those who experienced sexual violence have had their humanity damaged by this mistaken belief when they relate their experiences to loved ones or law police.
Alternatively, simply because I identify as a heterosexual man, people view my silence as “enjoying” because of the well-established belief in heteronormative culture that men, consenting or not, find pleasure in the sensuous contact of a woman. In facts, a number of factors affect the physical and psychological states of those experiencing sexual violence, regardless of gender, making it harder for them to flee or defend themselves.
Aside from that, what happens if the individual engaging in the non-consensual touching is your partner or someone you like? Varying genders will experience varying levels of discomfort and physiological reactions, and the experience will differ if it is performed by your partner or someone you like versus someone else. This is partly influenced by the autonomic nervous system of the body.
The autonomic nervous system is a component of the nervous system that regulates involuntary physiological processes including heart rate, blood pressure, breathing, digestion, and sexual arousal. It controls all smooth muscle contractions in the body, including the sympathetic and parasympathetic divisions. The sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems contain fibers that provide sensory input and motoric output to the central nervous system.
The autonomic nervous system, which is related to sexual arousal, occurs not only in the human body but also in mammals in general, although the reflexes in detail are different for each sex. Relevant autonomic sexual responses in each one include: (1) dilation of blood vessels, leading to erection of the penis or clitoris; (2) stimulation of the prostate or vaginal secretions; (3) smooth muscle contraction of the vas deferens during ejaculation or rhythmic contraction of the vagina during orgasm; and (4) somatic pelvic muscle contractions that accompany orgasm in each sex.
Each person’s sexual desire can be triggered by mental, visual and/or physical stimulation. In the male body, sexual arousal and desire are heavily influenced and synchronized by the testosterone hormone produced by the endocrine system, which then enters the autonomic nervous system. Meanwhile, in female bodies, the testosterone hormone produced is generally much less, so the process of generating sexual desire through the autonomic nervous system involves more complicated internal processes.
According to Naomi Wolf, when a female experiences sexual stimulation from someone who makes them feel safe and at ease, their autonomic nervous system affects what happens to their body (both inwardly and externally) outside of their consciousness. Perhaps this is the reason for the numerous stories of young women regretting their sexual experiences with their partners (due to unconscious sexual reactions from the autonomic nervous system, resulting from uninformed consent because they don’t understand their own bodies).
The authorities frequently interpret this physiological response as evidence of “consensual” or “mutual consent,” ignoring the fact that the behavior falls outside the bounds of explicit consent and is consequently sexual violence. Children whose bodies are “activated” after experiencing sexual violence because of the perpetrator’s grooming may also experience this physiological reaction.
For this reason, the WHO (World Health Organization) states that sexual violence includes all acts related to activities or attempts at sexual activity or other acts that forcefully attack someone sexually, regardless of the relationship between the victim and the perpetrator. So, good sexual activity is characterized by clear consent given consciously and voluntarily, regardless of the relationship. It is crucial that you first understand your own body, educate yourself on the impacts and consequences of engaging in unsafe sexual activities, and (continuously) discuss with your partner what consent looks like for each of you to make sure you both are on the same page.
Here, what needs to be emphasized is: a relationship doesn’t equal consent. It is not enough for someone to have consent to sexual activity simply because it is mutual or because they are married or in a relationship and can thus have sex whenever they want. We are not always willing, prepared, or comfortable making physical contact with others, therefore consent might change at any time—even a moment later. Unfortunately, when consent is considered in relation to relevant culture and norms, things get more difficult.
In Indonesia, there is still a prevalent belief that a man owns a woman’s body through marriage, which is why many people are unaware of the significance of sexual consent in marriage. As a result, they also do not understand the meaning of marital rape and continue to believe that domestic violence only refers to non-sexual forms of abuse. []
This Article was translated by Napol Riel.